I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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