the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
is wine microwaveable?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
