Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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