there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
