1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
