I molested 6 butterflies tonight
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize