I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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