i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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