You really coming over, don't trick.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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