i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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