nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i came on her dog
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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