and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
