It's Friday. Sex?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
