Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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