dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
