im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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