When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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