Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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