Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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