im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
