we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize