Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
