DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
