I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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