i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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