Do you still have your period?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
