she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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