The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
