My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Randomize
