He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
