In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize