He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Randomize
