i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
