I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize