new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
