his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
This is the high leading the old right now
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
