Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
