yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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