Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
