I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
