he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
