They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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