one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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