I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
