i barfeds in our rink
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
