My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Randomize
