First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
