Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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