the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
