I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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