Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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