I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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