Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
