Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Vodka?
Forever.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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