shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He better not be in your backpack
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
