I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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