Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
